Doctor Single,
I met a man online and have been seeing him for about 8 months, and things look really good. We seem compatible, he is considerate and honest, and we are extremely attracted to each other. There's just one problem. He is allergic to cats, and I love my cat, Carmina. Whenever he comes to my apartment, he gets itchy eyes and starts sneezing and is very uncomfortable. One time he said something about not being able to live in a place with a cat, and I know he was hurt that I didn't say that I'd pick him over Carmina if we have a future together. Is this an unsolvable problem? Getting rid of Carmina is NOT an option for me!
Kitty Lover
Dear Kitty Lover,
You do have a problem here, but you also have an excellent opportunity. This is a challenge for you both to deal with together, and developing the ability to deal with problems together is one of the most important tasks you face if your relationship is going to last and thrive. There are all kinds of potential ways of dealing with this, and all of them carry costs and are less than ideal. These include antihistamines for him, lots of vacuuming and keeping your cat in a separate room when he is at your apartment, not spending time in your apartment together, and other possibilities that might be suggested by a veterinarian or by his physician. Your sensitivity to his hurt by your not saying you'd choose him over Carmina suggestes that you are empathic regarding his feelings, and this is an excellent start. My suggestion is that you talk openly about this, with confidence that you can work it out together. I also suggest that you begin with expressing and listening fully to each other's feelings and thoughts before moving into discussion of possible solutions. This could be a difficult but really positive step in building your trust and capacity to deal with (inevitable) problems together. You are likely to get to know each other a lot more in the process.
Doctor Single